Dear money, even good change is hard…😩
We all want to change. “Be a better version of yourself", "leave bad habits behind…” heck even the Lowe's slogan is “Never stop improving”. 📈
But I've found that often times good change can be just as hard as bad change.😓 And it's a sneaky thing we don't talk about enough. 🤫
On one hand, we all want to get better with money.💸 Sounds simple enough, right? But here are the themes I often hear in the Club and in my 1:1 work that may help you understand why change is HARD:
You're used to the chaos. 🌪️
Even though you want out, you don't know what's on the other side. It's the “the devil you know”😈 scenario. We will sometimes take a known bad thing over an unknown good possibility.
I keep a careful watch on money healers who are making wonderful and needed big changes. I ask things like, “What's gonna fill up the void that the chaos is leaving? How will you sit with that little space you desperately need?" Which leads us to the next theme…
What if I backslide?
Sometimes the possibility of disappointing ourselves or others feels scary and daunting. What if you have a great week or month, spend less than your paycheck, get your debt payments organized and clear, experience the “high” of newness…. and then, life hands you a conflict at work or a bad cold, and you default back impulse shopping. The old habit slides comfortably in because it was always there to soothe you.
Well I'm here to lovingly remind you that you will backslide.
Read that again.
And it's not a failure when you do. I would expect it and welcome it as proof that you're growing. 🌱
Growth isn't linear. It's a cycle that spirals upwards. 🌀
I've seen folks, myself included, say “welp, that didn't work. I'm a garbage person because I couldn't be consistent”.😭
But consistency is a load of garbage gifted to us by white patriarchy. 🗑️
If total consistency got me an A+, I'm a solid D+ student.👎
The magic recipe I'm telling you is this: You WILL revert to your old habit at some point, whether it's impulse shopping or money avoidance or something else. Notice it, love yourself for it, revisit the change you wanted before. Try again. Maybe reach out for community support. 👥
And you will keep cycling, but cycling upwards with each time you notice the backsliding. In time, the backsliding will be less dramatic, and the new habit will feel more like the default.
It's the loving yourself through the backslide that gives you the magic to change from the inside out. It's the magic that creates lasting change, even if it's a bumpy ride. ✨
Here's a diagram based on the “Stages of Change” model in Counseling. I call my version the “Learning Cycle”:
Which little green circle are you on right now? When was your last “F-it moment”? Most club members come into the community with “Action” on the mind. But look what's just a feeew steps ahead!
Lastly, Embrace grief.
With relief comes grief. When you change a habit, you've gained something new and needed, but you've also lost something that consumed a big part of your life.
That “Devil you knew”? Well, you knew it well.😈
Take some time to sit with the idea of loss, even when you're improving. Journal about what's changed, what's added and what's subtracted.
If you're wanting to change your spending habits to be more mindful and less impulsive, then you'll need to honor what impulse shopping gives you. Does it give you fun? creativity? beauty? connection to your childhood? Find a way to bring some of that into your new habit so the backsliding isn't extreme. 😊
Another big theme you may be working with is money avoidance - once you organize your money and start watching it, you've given up something that had its own way of working for you. “Thank you avoidance for trying to protect me”. It'll probably come back in when things get tough. “Oh there you are, avoidance! It makes sense that you're here.”
Retrospect and find out what the underside of positive growth is for you! 🔄
